5...4...3...2...1

5... i graduate in five days.

4... all of my favorite memories involve the four of us. long live the squad.

3... every morning I'd set a timer to sleep in for 3 more minutes. I was always late.

2... every Friday when it hit 2:00 and i got that giddy feeling, knowing that only 15 minutes stood between me and the weekend

1... there's only one Lone Peak, there's only one senior year, there's only one high school experience, and you only live once so here's to high school and

every raw moment in it.

here's to awkward first kisses and heart breaks over the simplest of misunderstandings

here's to late nights in Craig Smiths room and every class I ever sluffed

here's to the self doubt and the self discovery

here's to the boy who made my day when he told me my smile was pretty and here's to the girl in the hall who told me I was nice

here's to the tears and the smiles and the laughs and the crushes and all of the above.

cause our lives begin in 5...4...3...2...1

so here's to high school and every raw moment in it. 

nostalgia

senior dinner dance was fun

but it was sad

graduation will be fun

but its sad

life is gonna be fun

but its sad

cause whether i loved u or i hated u

youve been a huge part of my life for years

so farewell

i guess ill see u at reunions

WANDER

 

theres something about the way you wander
into my day dreams
like an unwanted thought.
but you're so welcomed.
you're so warm.

theres something about the way you wander
into my world
like a coincidence

everytime the same.

you're so familiar

and I fall back into your smile, your laugh, your arms

theres something about the way you wander
into my heart
like comfort.
and even though we're nothing more than friends now,

i think im okay with that

theres something about the way you wander.

"and"

stablility.
but my hearts on a plate balanced on
a stick waiting for you to knock it over
once again.
but oddly enough i like the sound of
it shattering.

Flashing lights in my mind like
cameras
and every picture is the same
its you
you and that crooked smile.
and me
me and my bright eyes

all smiles and all of the above
and i miss it so much

and i guess its not your eyes but the
way they looked at me

and i guess its not your laugh but
how close it was to my ear

and i guess its not your lips but the
way they said my name

and i check my rearview evey time i
drive past your house to see if your
cars parked out front cause i dont
dare look out the passenger window.
i dont want you to know i care.

and, and, and, and

and life isnt fair.
and everything happens for a reason
or so they say but i believe them.

so i ripped the rearview mirror clean
outta my car cause whats the point
of lookin back when you already
know whats behind you?

Im Not Who I Once Was

Im not who I once was.

JUNE 2012

A few weeks after he passed I wrote this for him

I was 14.

ALVIN

Big brown eyes that spoke words of truth.

A big smile for a little kid,

that made so many happy.

That little squishy nose that I miss so much,

turned frowns upside down for plenty.

Although his life here was short, (and so was he)

He made a mark in so many people’s memory.

His heart was big in his tiny body

So it was truly easy to love daddy and mommy

And they loved him back, more than he could ever know,

which made it so much

harder

when he had to go.

But he had to go, back to where we all began

Where we will see him once again and hold his little hand .

His little hand that I whish I could have held more than I did.

He was such a cute little kid.

My little cousin so small and frail…

He waits for me on the other side of the

Veil.

It was a nice day in the middle of June. I woke up to the news that my cousins who live in idaho Idaho had been in a car accident and that Alvin—who was 5 years old—was unconcious but that he should wake up by the end of the day. That night there was a stake dance and at 14 there was no better place for me to be on a Saturday night, so I pushed the thought aside knowing that he would wake up and continued with my preparations for the dance that night.

            While enjoying myself at the dance, my mind was far from that hospital room where Alvin lay unconcious. There was still no word of him re-gaining conciousness  but I had no doubt that the doctors would fix him, they can fix anything, they always do.

Then I got a call.

It was my mom.

And I will never forget the way her voice shook when she told me,

“Mairin, they don’t think Alvin is going to make it.”

Silence.

I finally choked out,

“this is not happening,”

I could hear her heart breaking on the other side of the phone.

We drove all through the night.

I barley slept at all.

I stared out the window and pleaded with god

not to take him from me.

I don’t like to choose favorites but boy did I love Alvin.

Three years earlier we had been at a family reunion and all the little kids were on a scavenger hunt. Alvin was just two years old and couldn’t keep up with the older kids, so I put him on my back and carried him the whole time. I remember my limbs aching towards the end but I didn’t care one bit because he was so happy.

After a long night of whispered prayers we arrived at the hospital.

There he lay, motionless, eyes shut.

I missed his chocolate chip eyes.

The monitor to the right of his bed showed his brain activity.

There was none.

Family members gathered around his bed to say goodbye.

I touched his litte foot and told him I loved him.

I know he heard me.

We sang.

“God Be With You Till We Meet Again.”

 Then we left him and his parents for their last moments.

I lay on the ground of the waiting room.

Speechless, trying not to think about the fact that Alvin was moments from no longer being with us, when a nurse layed a warm blanket over the top of me.

I was suddenly filled with love.

I knew that I would see Alvin again.

I know that I will see Alvin again.

My little cousin so small and fraill

He waits for me on the other side of the

 veil.

reveal I guess

dear no one,

hey there.
i've been here for a while now--paying my time--I hope you've enjoyed my company.
the honest truth is that i've kept most of my best work to myself.
and i dont even know if its that good. but i like it.

still there?

k cool.

well i don't think anyone is even reading this

but if you are, hehe, thanks

Love,

Mairin

win or loose

hands on my knees, vision fading.
my legs, my butt, my, my everything. aching.
highs fives and whispered "congrats" cause we're all at a loss of breath.

at that moment.
there is one of two things on my mind.
win or loose.

and the win isn't the gold medal and the loss isn't the last place.
at the first sting of pain was i already defeated? or was i propelled?

(and im trying to find a way to make this sound cool and deep but there is no other way to say this)
(and i say "AND" too much hehe)
(anyways...)

everything aside. all the pain all the tears, the doubt, the fear, the hurt, what he thinks, what they say, what she thinks, if shes better than me or not, and if he wants her more than me. ITS GONE.
and if its not. then i've lost.

when i finish breathing hard, smiling, knowing that i pushed past every limit in my body.

i won.