win or loose

hands on my knees, vision fading.
my legs, my butt, my, my everything. aching.
highs fives and whispered "congrats" cause we're all at a loss of breath.

at that moment.
there is one of two things on my mind.
win or loose.

and the win isn't the gold medal and the loss isn't the last place.
at the first sting of pain was i already defeated? or was i propelled?

(and im trying to find a way to make this sound cool and deep but there is no other way to say this)
(and i say "AND" too much hehe)
(anyways...)

everything aside. all the pain all the tears, the doubt, the fear, the hurt, what he thinks, what they say, what she thinks, if shes better than me or not, and if he wants her more than me. ITS GONE.
and if its not. then i've lost.

when i finish breathing hard, smiling, knowing that i pushed past every limit in my body.

i won.

A List of Thoughts From the Other Night...

1. ...
2. No
3. No Way
4. NO WAY THIS IS NOT HAPPENING
5. am i dreaming?
6. No
7. my life is amazing
*run around screaming and jumping up and down*
8. okay this is happening
9. didn't think this was going to happen
10. its happening
11. well I should probably get ready
12. hes on his way
13. no way
14. thats him
15. dang hes still good lookin
16. yup still wears that cologne I love
17. here we go
18. wow this feels normal
19. we have so much to talk about
20. gosh i missed him
21. nothings changed has it
22. the butterflies are going away
23. that was fun
24. closure
25. finally some closure
26. hehehe

You Don't Know

 

your toes were cold. so i bought you some socks.
you couldnt stop smiling the first time i came inside.
i wont be what you want me to be.
so i dont blame you. i dont blame either of us. i blame space and time.
but its not very easy to blame something thats not tangible is it?
i feel so weak when i cry.
it was so short but it was different.
most common mistake a young girl like me can make.

its been months. haha.
youre seeing her on the weekends and im watching T.V.
but you dont know that.
I hide behind the media that says im happy without you.
I am.
my life really hasn't changed much since you.
i just miss ya
and i dont think
scratch that
i know
you dont know
how much i miss you. we were friends

and i wish we never became more than that.

cause now we're nothing.

and im so sorry. i really am.