5...4...3...2...1

5... i graduate in five days.

4... all of my favorite memories involve the four of us. long live the squad.

3... every morning I'd set a timer to sleep in for 3 more minutes. I was always late.

2... every Friday when it hit 2:00 and i got that giddy feeling, knowing that only 15 minutes stood between me and the weekend

1... there's only one Lone Peak, there's only one senior year, there's only one high school experience, and you only live once so here's to high school and

every raw moment in it.

here's to awkward first kisses and heart breaks over the simplest of misunderstandings

here's to late nights in Craig Smiths room and every class I ever sluffed

here's to the self doubt and the self discovery

here's to the boy who made my day when he told me my smile was pretty and here's to the girl in the hall who told me I was nice

here's to the tears and the smiles and the laughs and the crushes and all of the above.

cause our lives begin in 5...4...3...2...1

so here's to high school and every raw moment in it. 

nostalgia

senior dinner dance was fun

but it was sad

graduation will be fun

but its sad

life is gonna be fun

but its sad

cause whether i loved u or i hated u

youve been a huge part of my life for years

so farewell

i guess ill see u at reunions

WANDER

 

theres something about the way you wander
into my day dreams
like an unwanted thought.
but you're so welcomed.
you're so warm.

theres something about the way you wander
into my world
like a coincidence

everytime the same.

you're so familiar

and I fall back into your smile, your laugh, your arms

theres something about the way you wander
into my heart
like comfort.
and even though we're nothing more than friends now,

i think im okay with that

theres something about the way you wander.

"and"

stablility.
but my hearts on a plate balanced on
a stick waiting for you to knock it over
once again.
but oddly enough i like the sound of
it shattering.

Flashing lights in my mind like
cameras
and every picture is the same
its you
you and that crooked smile.
and me
me and my bright eyes

all smiles and all of the above
and i miss it so much

and i guess its not your eyes but the
way they looked at me

and i guess its not your laugh but
how close it was to my ear

and i guess its not your lips but the
way they said my name

and i check my rearview evey time i
drive past your house to see if your
cars parked out front cause i dont
dare look out the passenger window.
i dont want you to know i care.

and, and, and, and

and life isnt fair.
and everything happens for a reason
or so they say but i believe them.

so i ripped the rearview mirror clean
outta my car cause whats the point
of lookin back when you already
know whats behind you?

Im Not Who I Once Was

Im not who I once was.

JUNE 2012

A few weeks after he passed I wrote this for him

I was 14.

ALVIN

Big brown eyes that spoke words of truth.

A big smile for a little kid,

that made so many happy.

That little squishy nose that I miss so much,

turned frowns upside down for plenty.

Although his life here was short, (and so was he)

He made a mark in so many people’s memory.

His heart was big in his tiny body

So it was truly easy to love daddy and mommy

And they loved him back, more than he could ever know,

which made it so much

harder

when he had to go.

But he had to go, back to where we all began

Where we will see him once again and hold his little hand .

His little hand that I whish I could have held more than I did.

He was such a cute little kid.

My little cousin so small and frail…

He waits for me on the other side of the

Veil.

It was a nice day in the middle of June. I woke up to the news that my cousins who live in idaho Idaho had been in a car accident and that Alvin—who was 5 years old—was unconcious but that he should wake up by the end of the day. That night there was a stake dance and at 14 there was no better place for me to be on a Saturday night, so I pushed the thought aside knowing that he would wake up and continued with my preparations for the dance that night.

            While enjoying myself at the dance, my mind was far from that hospital room where Alvin lay unconcious. There was still no word of him re-gaining conciousness  but I had no doubt that the doctors would fix him, they can fix anything, they always do.

Then I got a call.

It was my mom.

And I will never forget the way her voice shook when she told me,

“Mairin, they don’t think Alvin is going to make it.”

Silence.

I finally choked out,

“this is not happening,”

I could hear her heart breaking on the other side of the phone.

We drove all through the night.

I barley slept at all.

I stared out the window and pleaded with god

not to take him from me.

I don’t like to choose favorites but boy did I love Alvin.

Three years earlier we had been at a family reunion and all the little kids were on a scavenger hunt. Alvin was just two years old and couldn’t keep up with the older kids, so I put him on my back and carried him the whole time. I remember my limbs aching towards the end but I didn’t care one bit because he was so happy.

After a long night of whispered prayers we arrived at the hospital.

There he lay, motionless, eyes shut.

I missed his chocolate chip eyes.

The monitor to the right of his bed showed his brain activity.

There was none.

Family members gathered around his bed to say goodbye.

I touched his litte foot and told him I loved him.

I know he heard me.

We sang.

“God Be With You Till We Meet Again.”

 Then we left him and his parents for their last moments.

I lay on the ground of the waiting room.

Speechless, trying not to think about the fact that Alvin was moments from no longer being with us, when a nurse layed a warm blanket over the top of me.

I was suddenly filled with love.

I knew that I would see Alvin again.

I know that I will see Alvin again.

My little cousin so small and fraill

He waits for me on the other side of the

 veil.

reveal I guess

dear no one,

hey there.
i've been here for a while now--paying my time--I hope you've enjoyed my company.
the honest truth is that i've kept most of my best work to myself.
and i dont even know if its that good. but i like it.

still there?

k cool.

well i don't think anyone is even reading this

but if you are, hehe, thanks

Love,

Mairin

win or loose

hands on my knees, vision fading.
my legs, my butt, my, my everything. aching.
highs fives and whispered "congrats" cause we're all at a loss of breath.

at that moment.
there is one of two things on my mind.
win or loose.

and the win isn't the gold medal and the loss isn't the last place.
at the first sting of pain was i already defeated? or was i propelled?

(and im trying to find a way to make this sound cool and deep but there is no other way to say this)
(and i say "AND" too much hehe)
(anyways...)

everything aside. all the pain all the tears, the doubt, the fear, the hurt, what he thinks, what they say, what she thinks, if shes better than me or not, and if he wants her more than me. ITS GONE.
and if its not. then i've lost.

when i finish breathing hard, smiling, knowing that i pushed past every limit in my body.

i won.

A List of Thoughts From the Other Night...

1. ...
2. No
3. No Way
4. NO WAY THIS IS NOT HAPPENING
5. am i dreaming?
6. No
7. my life is amazing
*run around screaming and jumping up and down*
8. okay this is happening
9. didn't think this was going to happen
10. its happening
11. well I should probably get ready
12. hes on his way
13. no way
14. thats him
15. dang hes still good lookin
16. yup still wears that cologne I love
17. here we go
18. wow this feels normal
19. we have so much to talk about
20. gosh i missed him
21. nothings changed has it
22. the butterflies are going away
23. that was fun
24. closure
25. finally some closure
26. hehehe

You Don't Know

 

your toes were cold. so i bought you some socks.
you couldnt stop smiling the first time i came inside.
i wont be what you want me to be.
so i dont blame you. i dont blame either of us. i blame space and time.
but its not very easy to blame something thats not tangible is it?
i feel so weak when i cry.
it was so short but it was different.
most common mistake a young girl like me can make.

its been months. haha.
youre seeing her on the weekends and im watching T.V.
but you dont know that.
I hide behind the media that says im happy without you.
I am.
my life really hasn't changed much since you.
i just miss ya
and i dont think
scratch that
i know
you dont know
how much i miss you. we were friends

and i wish we never became more than that.

cause now we're nothing.

and im so sorry. i really am.

Five songs that will make you feel better about stupid boys

 Disclaimer: heres a lil throw back to some timeless songs that will get you feelin good again. ALSO, im not always this dramatic ;D hehe xoxo

1. Beware- Big Sean

“You should beware, beware, beware of a woman with a broken heart.”

Well said Sean.

The Female species is a loving and compassionate kind, UNLESS of course you break their heart. You see, women have friends. Lots of them. And their friends don't like to see them sad. So really the song should say, "You should beware, beware, beware of a woman with a broken heart's friends, cause they gonna kill you." If you have ever come home and found your windows sopping with egg yoke, toilet paper gracefully draped across your trees, saran wrap pulled tightly around your car, and/or baseball sized holes in your windows... it most likely wasn't the girl you broke up with but her friends. She was probably sitting in her friend's car eating Ben and Jerris and laughing as she watched though.

2. Too Little Too Late- JoJo

“It’s just too little too late, a little too wrong, and I can’t wait. You know all the right things to say, you know it’s just too little too late.”

Now this is your run-around-the-house-singing-along-at-the-top-of-your-lungs song.  Trust me, it is relieving. Not much to say other than that.

3. Someone Else- Miley Cyrus

"If you're looking for love, know that love don't live here anymore. He left with my heart, they both walked through that door without me."

This is the song you blast in your car and plan revenge to. This is the song you blast in your earbuds as you work your butt off at the gym and think about how much hes gonna want that bod back once he sees it again. This is the song you blast as you sing  in the shower every morning before you face a world without him in it. This is your "I'm better off without him song." THIS is a dang good song. 

4. Best Thing I Never Had- Beyonce

"Your turned out to be the best thing I never had."

First of all, Beyonce is the queen so pretty much anything by her will make you feel better.

This song helps you to realize that he most likely was not as perfect as you thought. Think of his flaws. That ugly wrinkled shirt he wore all the time, the way he said "milk," his weird obsession with chess (nothing against chess). If you can't think of any flaws, well here's one, HE WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO BREAK UP WITH YOU. 

Once again,

Beyonce is the Queen.

5. Here I Go Again- White Snake

"Here I go again on my own, going down the only road I've ever known."

This is one of the greatest songs of all time.

Here you go again on your own, but guess what, you're sexy and you're single so GO LIVE YOUR LIFE AND FORGET BOYS!!!

They'll grow up some day ;)

where did all the crayons go?

Last night I dreamed in color 
but
woke up to black and white. 
 

red crayon boy.

You were the first red crayon to mark my paper. 
and oh you drew all over it. 
you did.
but i was just a kid.
everything was blue skies and blue birds and i wasnt worried one bit.
maybe i should have been
but maybe it wouldnt have been as great. 
i was confused
i didnt want to hurt
you or me
all i knew is i liked the feeling of you being a red crayon. 
but you were just a kid.
so you're not a red crayon anymore.
i wish you were.
but thats okay,
cause ill never forget the first mark you made on me
red crayon boy.

just some song suggestions

no words
&
smaller 
by
Erik Hassle

Listen to these two songs and you will surely have a good day.

Speakers like BRICKS

Speakers like BRICKS.

stacked just two feet in front of me.

and OH when the sound escaped them

it shook me,

as if it were in me.

It WAS in me. 

BODY to body.

too many to count

musk and dust and we were one for just one night

cause we all loved the same thing. 

PRESSED against the railing 

we were in FRONT.

I swear when I screamed, he looked.

he LOOKED.

every strum, true to the lyric that followed.

and I prayed the night would never end.

Speakers like BRICKS.

and I never took my eyes off him.

 

#stolen

 

"And in the end, you're worth even more covered in spray paint than when you were just a brick."

- ambivalential
http://ambivalential.blogspot.com/ 

Five simple steps to making sure the boy you like does not like you back.

Probably wondering why I chose this topic. 

Well this week as I was pondering what to write on, the thought of how stupid I had been earlier kept interfering with my train of thought. So I decided to write about that. 

How I deflect the boys I like. 

It's quite easy actually. 

1. OVERTHINK-
Make sure to overthink absolutely everything when you are with him. The way he's looking at you, the way he's standing, the way you're standing, what he's saying, what you're saying. Trust me, it works. Cause then it leads to step number two...

2. BECOME NERVOUS-
Now that you have begun to overthink, you will start to become nervous. It's natural. Now you will begin to panic. This is natural as well. You will begin to dread the moment he stops talking because then it is your turn and you are so nervous you can't even remember what he was talking about, better yet come up with an answer. This is when step three happens...

3. BLABBERING- 
Begin to say whatever comes to your mind first to fill the silence. Anything will suffice. Stories. Ya those usually work really well. By the end, he doesn't even remember what the point was and neither do you. He responds with a slight laugh and confused look and you respond with a louder laugh and a much too forced smile. Now that's a charmer.

4. WATCH FROM AFAR- 
Stare at him from a safe distance (ranging anywhere from 10ft to well as far away as you can get while still being able to identify him). Linger. And then right when he turns in your direction, turn your head and examine the nearest object with intense concentration, acting like you have been doing so the whole time. 
Wanna know a secret? 
He sees you every time,
and is probably scared, concerned, annoyed and/or flattered but creeped out at the same time.

5. FANTASIZE-
This step is very easy to accomplish. Most girls do it subconsciously... or it's just me that does it. If so, that's embarrassing... Anyways... You construct and dream of every perfect scenario with him. The perfect date, first kiss, second, third, and fourth kiss as well, your wedding, your 2 boys and 2 girls (all with names starting with the letter M), your perfect house on the coast of Oregon, and finally how you will grow old together and always love each other. 

After fantasizing you return to reality and find this is the opposite of what is happening. So you conclude that you must speak to him to make things change. As you approach him you begin to overthink, become nervous, blabber, watch from afar, and fantasize all over again until the fantasizing is about the extent of your relationship.

So there ya go! 

If you ever want to ensure that the boy you've been crushing on for years never likes you back just follow these steps. 

Let me know if it works :)

P.P.

so I ripped  the rearview mirror clean outta my car.
cause what's the point of looking back

when u already know what's behind you.

almost love.

Hesitant.

Only you make me this nervous 

But I think I make you nervous too.

Stolen glances. And I wonder,

I always wonder

I wonder and I wish

I wish and wonder

For what could happen 
if we didn't just stare at each other when the other isn't looking. 

But what's the point of wishing on stars that aren't there

Cause I'm tired of me wishing and you staring and us being

Nothing.

Nothing but what we were to begin with. 

And I I'm sick of sitting at the start line when the finish is waiting. 

I've been waiting 

And wishing

But I guess I should stop

I should stop

Thanks for the day dreams.

Ode to RJ

got this hat

can find me reppin it on.
well
any day really.

one day. stole it outta daddy's closet.
{im always stealin' stuff outta daddy's closet.}
and
well
been my faithful companion ever
since.

hidden.

dark circles and dread locks

no.

more like exposed.

honestly

well

my trademark.